Wallpaper

Many of you now know that I have been trying to get rid of some wallpaper in the basement, and have had some frustration. I was having some difficulty as the paper would tear off in only two inch by four inch pieces.
"Have you tried perforating the wallpaper?" was a common question people would ask... indicating the method whereby you perforate the wallpaper with something akin to a fork and then soak the wall with a spray bottle.
I was doing that from the start.
Now, I know some of you might be thinking "Do they not have steamers that will soak into the wallpaper and loosen it up for you?"
I tell you that is a copp out. It wouldn't be work anymore. And for things to be done right, it must be done by working at it. It is only Christian. After all, did the Lord not work for 6 days to create the earth, and on only on the 7th did He rest? And did He not create our bodies for the very purpose of doing work? (If he did not give us bodies for this purpose, then why do we have bodies at all?)
Besides which, a steamer would have cost me money. And as a person of dutch heritage, well, I think we all know what it means to be of a dutch heritage, however distant that dutch heritage may be.
So, I tell you that I have come across the most brilliant method by which a person of proper mind may be rid of wallpaper, and produce a brilliant finish.
Now, don't think that you need to go out and buy any special tools to perforate the wallpaper. No, just go into your kitchen, and find that handy-dandy tool commonly referred to as a cheese-grater.
Many of you don't know this, but a cheese-grater was originally designed for plastered walls. It produced a finish that is hard to mimic by any other means. Time has run its course, and most people, (I dare say, all people) have forgotten it's original intention.
But yes, a cheese-grater, or as it is properly called -- the wall-grater, is the just the tool you need.
Those store bought tools you see now-a'days hardly even touch the wallpaper, but a wall-grater, takes a good solid rip out of the wallpaper, and also gives the frustrated person a good healthy thick sound of tearing at the wall.
Now, I know some of you are thinking -- won't that result in deep grooves in your drywall?
I tell you not to worry.
After finishing with the wall-grater, you should have a nice roughed up finish throughout the respective room that you are working on.
And yes, gypsum (the stuff that drywall is made of) will be prone to falling off the wall, seeing as there is no longer any paper to hold it to the wall. But don't worry.
I'm told that a little bit of plaster, and a healthy coating of oil-based primer will do just the trick to hold it all together.
Of course, if any parts of your wall are still looking a little loose, then a few healthy knocks with a hammer should put it back in its place.
After you have plastered and primed the walls (remember to use an oil-based primer!), your wall should be perfectly prepared for painting. You can use any sort of paint you want by now, because oil-based primer is just the primer, and there is no worry about using latex paint over an alkyd (oil) primer.
And there you have it. A sure-fire method for getting rid of wallpaper, in an expedient manner, resulting in a modern, rough "Texan" finish (everyone is doing this in those southern states where wallpaper was once the rage).
Good luck!