The Raccoon

It was Friday Night. Late on Friday Night. Like 23:oo hours at night kinda late on a Friday Night.
I was lounging on the couch, enjoying the sensation of cushions all around me, as I watched "Bridezillas" (starring Annie H. and Katie H.), with my lovely wife lounging on another couch nearby.
When the doorbell rang.
"I'm not getting it," said I, "I'm not dressed to go to the door."
"It's 23oo hours at night!" said my wife, "Who goes door to door at this time of night?"

My wife went to answer the door.
I heard some whispering.
"You gotta get dressed, David." Said my wife, "There's a raccoon outside."

It was our neighbour. Out chasing raccoons. He'd heard about raccoons burrowing into his parents attic once, and he didn't want that happening here. We had to do something.

The raccoon had started off on his deck, and now it was beside our house.

I got dressed in appropriate attire for raccoon hunting. (A t-shirt, and sweat pants).

I went outside. My neighbour whispered "It's over there!" Pointing to a corner of our property.

It looked innocent.

My neighbour was holding a 5 foot long, pointy, gardening tool.

"I don't have a gun," I said (loudly), "And I'm not beating it over the head with a shovel. They're too stubborn to die that way."

"Well, we gotta do something," my neighbour whispered, and related to me the story of raccoons at his parents.

"Steph, can you call pest control?" I asked Steph.
"I'll try," she replied and went inside.

We stood and watched the raccoon innocently hopping around the yard trying to catch unseen insects of various kinds.
I related to my neighbour my story about my date to the prom. Who had rabies because she got between her dog and a rabid raccoon in grade 12. She had to take huge needles to avoid going nuts.

"No answer," Steph said after calling a number.

Another neighbour showed up. To get his mail. At 11 o'clock at night... ????
The other neighbour tried to take pictures of the raccoon, which was now up one of my trees (having finally noticed strange beings watching him with a long pointy stick), using his cell phone.
The other neighbour went back home after unsuccessfully using his cell phone.

I related to my neighbour the story of a particular skunk last summer.

"I'll try the hose," said I, in the hopes that annoying a raccoon with water would pursuade it to leave my property and thereby assuage my neighbour into going back home, so I could go in and watch the last 4 minutes of Bridezillas, and then go to bed.

We got the hose ready.
I tried various settings on my water sprayer... Nope, 'Mist' won't work... I thought.
I realized I was pointing the spray gun at my neighbour as I tried the different settings, and appologized.

Finally I had the right setting.
I pointed the water gun at the raccoon, up in the tree.
I sprayed. The raccoon jumped straight at me!
Okay, just kidding,...
The raccoon didn't jump. It just sat there after getting a facewash by my hose.
'Great, now how am I going to get to bed?' I thought.
We stood and contemplated a few minutes.
We should try it again, we concluded.
We tried it again.
It worked! The raccoon turned around and climbed down the tree. Clearly annoyed.
It ran along my fence, to another one of my trees and went up that one.
This tree was taller.
'Great, now how am I going to get to bed?' I thought.
I tried spraying the hose up the tree. I didn't have enough power behind my hose.
We sat and contemplated a few more minutes.
Alright. We'll try one more time.
I tried spraying from a different angle.
It sorta worked.
It sorta worked.
Finally! the raccoon turned down the tree!
It went back toward the original tree...
I followed, in hot pursuit, yelling "No you don't you little rat!"
It went past the original tree. Hopped up onto the taller portion of our fence that surrounds our back yard.
I had to open the gate in order to follow it. Visions of the raccoon jumping into our backyard while the gate delayed me passed through my mind. Then how would I be able to go to bed? I thought.
I opened the gate. Luckily the raccoon was still on the fence, running the perimeter of our back yard.
I pursued it with the water hose.
It was now going toward my neighbour's backyard again!
'If it goes into my neighbours backyard, how am I going to be able to go to bed?' I panicked.

We got a lucky break.
The raccoon jumped into the pine trees on the church side of my neighbours fence.

'Am I going to have to chase it all the way out of our neighbourhood?' I thought.

The three of us walked around to the church parking lot.
Steph suggested throwing rocks and pinecones at it.
My aim was a little off. But we were annoying it.
I figured I should probably stop before I throw one of these things through another neighbours window, OR, before the raccoon jumps back onto the fence and into my neighbours yard again.

Our neighbour agreed. At least the raccoon was off our property.
We all went home for the night.

Saturday we got a call from the city pest control.
"They don't come out to catch wild animals," Steph said, "We can get another company to come and get it, and the city will pay us back half the cost."